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Articles about our conversation salons
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STARTING A CONVERSATION SALON–TIPS BASED ON OUR EXPERIENCES
This isn't everything we've got to tell you about how to start a conversation salon or discussion group! Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any questions. We'd also love to hear about your own conversation salon experiments and your ideas for stuff we might try at ours! ROUNDING ‘EM UP We started our conversation salon
relying on the free personal ads in the local papers. We placed our ads in
the “just friends” type category. We tried posters in libraries and
bookstores but didn't get much response. The web site did not used to
attract many people; however, more recently, the web has been working for
us. Craig's List has been a good way to attract younger people. We also trawl fringier organizations every now and then–the Pagans, the
New Agers (via an ad placed in a free publication distributed through New
Age type stores in our area), the Unitarians, etc. Science fiction
conventions and renaissance faire programs also might be good spots to run
ads. The idea is to focus on places where unconventional people might hang
out. We think that having a healthy minority of wild-eyed thinkers has
been critical to our success. The mainstream majority shows up, in part,
just to hear what the less predictable thinkers might suddenly say! Our print ads are loaded with calculated filters–“wild-eyed,” “philosopher daredevils,” “vintage hippies,” “unconventional thinkers and doers,” “activists,” “bohemians,” “Cheezits, chocolate and cheap wine.” We avoid words that make the thing sound elitist or dry. We always include something that conveys the idea that the salon happens in a good-humored, friendly environment. We hope that's true! A typical ad would sound like this: SOMETHING'S HAPPENING HERE! A thriving contemporary conversation circle that's a blast from the past–incense, candles, beaded curtains and 75 floor cushions, holding the brightest, most wild-eyed people we've managed to round up during the last ten years. Crave sanctuary from the ordinary? This is it! Elgin area. Must be over 21. Our follow-up emails or calls to ad respondents are more of the same–we both beckon and warn. Warnings about the scarcity of seats heighten interest, we have found. We faked that in the beginning and it worked like a charm for the first few salons. It also turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy! Happily, we always have a healthy turn-out. The first email or phone call is our best opportunity to try to figure out if the ad respondent is some kind of a nut. We try to give the person a chance to tell us a little about themselves and to reveal expectations or attitudes that might be unrealistic or problematic, such as extreme levels of intolerance or the assumption that our discussion group is a great place to schmooze GOP members, etc. (Not that we lack GOP members. However, they're outnumbered by bleeding hearts and former Deadheads.) The other big thing
we've done is to solicit articles in newspapers and magazines. That really
works–not everyone reads the free personals, of course. In our case, the
first one was an accident. A writer for the Chicago Tribune saw our
original ad and asked if she could mention the conversation salon in an article she was
doing about people who use the just friends ads. She ended up at our very
first gathering. That article didn't get us many people–however, it got us a
few and it gave us an article to send to other papers. The fact that one
article had been written on us seemed to legitimize us in the eyes of the
next paper, having two articles made it easier to convince the third that
our discussion groups were newsworthy, etc. (Examples of articles that have been written on
us can be found on this web site.) I guess we'd recommend pestering the
feature department of the most local of your local papers for coverage of “a significant social phenomenon,” HOW MANY WARM BODIES DO YOU WANT? We read way back that,
for an on-going gathering-type event, you want a mailing list roughly 5
times bigger than the number of people you actually hope will attend.
We're at that point and it does work out well. We mail to about 150
people–35-40 people usually rsvp and 30-35 really show up. Frankly, one big conversation with 20+ participants is a challenging group dynamic. We just barely get away with it and sometimes, we get some complaints. We let our gatherings get as large as they do so we don’t have to turn down too many people who want to be here and so we won’t miss seeing all the people we enjoy. When we first started the conversation salon, we’d get more like 15-18 attendees. That did give us a higher quality conversation. However, our big discussion group often is an incredible energy rush! Salon attendees tend not to be shy. The people who come to our salon also are unusually considerate of each other. That the conversation salon has worked for 10 years now despite the size of the crowd is attributable to the remarkable personalities we've been lucky enough to attract. A few years ago, we adopted the practice of having two conversation circles at once, which is explained below. That has allowed us to accept rsvps from up to 40 people without wrecking the group dynamic. Sometimes, after an
article has run or a particularly effective ad has appeared, we get so
many interested people that we have feel compelled to host two, or even
three, conversation salons in a single month. We've had to do this even after
initiating the two discussion-group format. Not everyone who comes wants to come
back, of course. The hordes sift down to a manageable list, we run more
ads, get another article and go through the cycle again. We read a post mortem of
salons that had fizzled out in the Utne magazine several
years ago. The
deadly factor seemed to be too much predictability–same people, month
after month, doing their same raps. The other thing was too much sameness
in attitudes and values. We have bent over backwards to avoid those
pitfalls. A different assortment of people each time, peppered with, but
never limited to, highly original thinkers, built around a slowly shifting solid core of
regulars who thoroughly
enjoy each other’s company and dance well together has made it possible for us
to advertise, in all
honesty, “wild-eyed notions guaranteed in a warm, friendly
atmosphere!” WHO’S IN CHARGE? WHERE DO THE
TOPICS COME FROM? We four hosts act as the
benign dictators of the discussion group, rather than try to run it by committee.
We’ve all experienced a lot of awful committees in the past–the compromises
necessary result in mediocrity 99.999% of the time. So we pick the
conversation topic
each month. However, people are always suggesting super ideas to us and we
keep a list of those running. The group also brainstorms ideas at the end
of a salon every now and then. We get our own ideas from conversations we find
ourselves having with each other or friends. Hey, this would make a great
salon topic, we suddenly realize. It’s really fun to be able to
actualize such notions! We also keep an eye out for provocative articles
in places like The Nation, Utne, Parabola,
Clamor,
the daily papers, Salon.com. We tend to avoid current events (although one
of our best gatherings was the October salon which followed 9/11) and go more for
philosophical/ethical themes. Current events then come in as examples
instead of being center stage. If the conversation gets problematic, we police it, usually using the classic “Nice Guy, Mean Guy,” approach. We avoid topics or directions that could turn into the war of the semi-informed, “I heard of a study where . . . ,” when anonymous studies rear their heads, The Mean Guy usually points out the “how do we know that’s not BS” problem and we move on. It’s rare that we need to do that. The group is highly motivated to make the conversation salon work and is excellent at self-policing. THE EXOTIC SETTING APPROACH We happen to live in a very strange physical environment–very hippie-dippie, futons and cushions on the floor, Che on the wall, a black light room. We think it’s a great advantage. The weirdness seems to throw people off balance, make them more likely to “get down,” as we used to say in 1967. The futon set-up (see the pictures on this web site) is particularly effective–it's tough to be reserved sitting on the floor. We exploit our own oddball appearances, personalities and attitudes to the max. There is always at least one source of wild-eyed perspective at our conversation salons, because we furnish it ourselves. Again, our efforts to make the original thinkers and unusually witty people feel at home here have paid off well. Indeed, our favorite people fall into those categories! Not everyone wants to live in a time warped tangle of Christmas lights. Certainly, successful conversation groups gather on couches or even folding chairs. We do suggest using unusual lighting or other devices to create “sacred space” for the discussion group to happen in. The more ordinary the setting, the more ordinary the conversation is likely to be. NUTS AND BOLTS We hold conversation salons roughly once a month. It’s always on a Saturday night but it's not the first or second or whatever Saturday of the month–no predictable pattern, in other words. We find that our own lives are too unpredictable for us to want to lock into a regular date. It turns out to have been a good move, as it makes the salon randomly inconvenient for people and makes the personality mix fresh each time–kaleidoscopic, we call it. The core that keeps coming nurtures an ever-deepening community. People who are always busy on weekends might attend 25-50% of the time. Most of the people on our list fall into that category. And then there’s always a couple of new people giving the salon a try. We announce the salons
via a postal mailing. We could do it by email at this point, but we enjoy
choosing striking paper, envelopes and fonts. The monthly mailing is an
announcement of the date and the topic. The topic announcements are more
detailed than those listed on the “topics” page of this web
site. An example–our “What is God?” We invite people to arrive between 6:30 and 7 p.m. “Conversation begins at 7:01 and ends at 10 p.m.” we say and we try to do just that. At 7:01, we all head into our futon room, perch or sprawl against cushions, whichever fits, form one big circle, and have one big conversation. Usually, one of the hosts kicks it off by rambling away for a minute or two about why we were drawn to the topic (or, in a few cases, why we weren't!), and then volunteer a hot idea or a ridiculous notion to give the thing a rolling start. We usually spend the last 30 minutes before people begin arriving having a conversation about the topic, to get our own juices running and we usually come up with some loaded remark to toss out that we're pretty sure will elicit an excited response from someone or another. Our experience has been that the people who come to something like this are eager to express themselves; indeed, they often come loaded for bear. Even our very first salon conversation (addressing, "What, if anything, desirable may be salvaged from the '60s?") was not a problem to launch. Humor, empathy and eye contact work wonders! An integral part of the conversation salon is the break, which begins at around 8:30 pm and can go for up to an hour. The length of the break depends entirely on what the group wants to do. Usually, the bigger the group is, the longer the break is. The break is a chance for everyone to get into smaller groups and dig into something someone just said, or something someone didn’t want to say in the big crowd but did want to run by a particular individual, or stuff that has nothing at all to do with the topic, or maybe, just to get to know each other. There's often brisk exchanges of movie and book recommendations. It’s fascinating to observe some of the odd groupings that form during the break! After the break, we reassemble, someone tosses out a notion that arose during the break and we’re off. At exactly 10 pm, we announce the formal end of the gathering. Some people bustle right out, others linger for awhile, some head to a local bar to talk about the rest of us, and some hang out until after midnight, savoring the sense of community that is often generated by the salon and continuing with warm, friendly conversation. We see the conversation salon as a party rather than an organization. We just happen not to know everyone at the beginning of every evening, but we make a good effort to remedy that. We supply enough snacks so we don't need anyone to bring anything. We also welcome simple snacks and usually have an abundance of pretzels, crackers, fruit, juice and wine. We discourage elaborate treats and often mention to newcomers that “it's not a food event.” Keeping the food simple makes the clean-up way easier. We didn't have alcohol at the first salon but added wine at the second. That works fine. In 10+ years, we've had two incidents of people getting drunk. Both were driven home by other salon members. Many salonies stick to coffee, Diet Coke or mango juice. OUR LATEST EXPERIMENT--THE 2 RING CIRCUS. We've started doing two conversation groups simultaneously! Fortunately, our house is set up so we can create two conversation environments at opposite ends. On the dry run, 25 people informally divided into two smaller groups of 10 and 15. We talked our heads off until the break, had a great time comparing notes with those from the other room and then reassembled in two groups. In true salon fashion, several people switched rooms while others stayed put, which mixed up the groups and added yet another dynamic and dimension to the experience. Subsequently, we've had as many as 42 people here on a single evening. It worked out fine. This appears to be the Ultimate Solution to the overcrowding problem. Because one of our rooms seats significantly more than does the other, we get the advantage of the energy of a larger group and the more intimate atmosphere of a smaller discussion group. WHAT ABOUT THE NUTBALLS? That was our main
concern going into this–what if a bunch of psychos show up and rob us
blind or, worse yet, bore us to tears with conspiracy theories or
something? To our delight, that simply has not been our experience;
consequently, we really can’t advise you on what to do if a crazed
killer decides to attend your salon. We do use our spider senses when we
read email or talk to people on the phone for the first time and if someone gives us the
heebeejeebees, we err on the side of caution and don’t send them our
address. That has only happened a few times. We have had an occasional
major bore invade us. Usually, the group itself handles it with ordinary
social pressure, such as interruptions of the “hey, let me respond to
that,” or “you’ve been talking a lot, let’s give X a chance,”
type. If someone is really a discussion group-wrecker, we don’t invite them
back. In most cases, we have met with the person and frankly discussed the
problem with them. We really have not had a single thing stolen from our
home. Oppositely, we’ve received some wonderful gifts from people who
appreciate what the conversation salon has added to their lives. WHAT’S IN IT FOR US–AND FOR
YOU? Not money, that’s for sure! We spend a few bucks on mailing materials and basic snacks each month. Our motivation, first and foremost, is community, friendship, connection. The salon has helped us populate our lives with dozens of extraordinary people. We consider the gatherings themselves to be royal entertainment. It’s three hours of ideas, questions, humor, wonder, and every now and then, amazing idiocy, a smorgasbord of what a collection of human minds has to offer. First-timers often leave in a euphoric state. We nearly always retire with a super buzz. There is no better high than the one triggered by friendly contact with fellow beings. The salon experiment has been a fantastic rush for us. We truly hope that you give it a shot and that your experience is as delightful as ours! SAMPLE DISCUSSION TOPIC ANNOUNCEMENT Let's discuss something simple this time: What is God? A physical entity, a super-person, a designer–one who designed in the past or one who continuously designs–an intelligence, a force, a system, energy, a trickster with a lousy sense of humor, etc.? What direct or circumstantial evidence supports any theory of God's existence, or lack of existence? If there is evidence of God's existence, what does it tell us about God's nature? Can a God concept based on faith alone be of religious or psychological use? Do modern concepts of God address different human needs and issues than did ancient concepts? What are the psychological and social ramifications of an utterly godless society? Does/can God deter anti-social behavior–or encourage it? Does/can God deter the development of ethics–or occasion it? Does/can faith in the existence of deity enrich life or does it oversimplify the experience of living, blinding believers to phenomenon and ideas outside their belief systems? What do “sacred” and “miracle” mean–can they be conceptualized/experienced without any sense of God whatsoever? Is it desirable, or possible, to lead a life without any experience of miracles or the sacred? Is some concept of God, however broad, a necessary element of spiritual experience?
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